FISTS FIXED HIGH

IT'S AN INTERESTING THING, LOOKING AT THE PAST. NOT THROUGH EYES OF REGRET-FULLNESS. NOT WITH A HEART OF DISDAIN OR BITTERNESS. INSTEAD, LOOKING AT THE PAST AS A STEPPING STOOL. A LEARNER'S MANUAL. THE PAST WEEK I HAVE MADE CONTACT WITH RELATIONSHIPS PAST, AND HAVE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT MY CHARACTER DURING THOSE COMMITMENTS. USUALLY MY EMOTIONS AND TIME ARE SPENT NIT-PICKING THE COUNTERPART'S BEHAVIOR - TIME TO TURN THE TABLES.  I AM ONE TO PREACH THAT I AM BOLD. THAT I TELL IT LIKE IT IS. THAT I AM ONE TOUGH COOKIE. THAT I HAVE A HARD TIME ATTACHING MYSELF TO A MAN. TOUGH LUCK FOR ME, BECAUSE REALITY PREACHES OTHERWISE. THOUGH I CAN HOLD MY OWN MOST OF THE TIME, WHEN I AM SINCERELY FALLING FOR SOMEONE - OR AM IN THE CHASE - I OFTEN TIMES DROP MY FISTS AND FLING MYSELF AROUND WHEREVER THE GUY BECKONS. I LOSE ALL SENSE OF FIRMLY PLANTED FEET. I DANCE ON THE OUTER EDGES OF THE TRUTH IF IT HAS A POSSIBILITY OF HURTING SOMEONE I AM HOPING TO WOO. I ONCE WAS SEEING A GUY WHO GREATLY DISAPPROVED OF MY CHURCH. HIS WORDS CUT ME LIKE KNIVES, YET I NEVER STOOD UP TO HIM. I WOULD GENTLY STATE MY POINT, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO OFFEND HIS CHURCH OR BELIEFS. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES IN A LOVING WAY. THIS HESITANCY ON MY PART BUILT WALLS, AND TRENCHES, THAT SOON CREATED AN UNFORGIVING MAZE OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT COULD NEVER BE SOLVED. ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP I WAS IN WAS THE IMAGE OF PERFECTION. NEVER HAS A MAN TREATED ME WITH SO MUCH RESPECT, AND CARE. HE PRAYED WITH ME, AND SUPPORTED ME NOT ONLY EMOTIONALLY, BUT IN A DESPERATE CRISIS, FINANCIALLY AS WELL. THE PROBLEM? QUICKLY I WAS BEING PUT FIRST AND FOREMOST IN FRONT OF EVERYTHING IN HIS LIFE. HIS GOD GIVEN DREAMS. HIS LIFE PLANS. EVERYONE TOLD ME WHAT AN AMAZING MAN HE WAS, AND BEGGED ME NOT TO LET HIM GO. WOULD I EVER BE ABLE TO FIND SOMEONE AS SELFLESS AS HIM AGAIN? I HELD OFF FOR A MONTH OR SO, WHEN I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE RISEN QUICKLY. I SO SELFISHLY DESIRED HIS ATTENTION AND EMBRACE THAT I DIDN'T CARE WHAT WAS SPIRITUALLY HEALTHY FOR ME. FOR US. IN THE END WE BOTH AGREED THAT WE HAD PLACED BEFORE GOD, A LOT OF EMOTIONAL AND MATERIAL THINGS, AND DECIDED TO BREAK THINGS OFF. TO STAY TRUE TO OUR CONVICTIONS. I AM FOREVER THANKFUL FOR HIS HEART AND UNDERSTANDING, BUT ALSO AM AWARE THAT I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED THAT TRAIN EARLIER. I AM AT A PLACE NOW, WHERE I CAN LOOK BACK ON ALL OF THE MISTAKES I HAVE MADE, AND SEE HOW THEY HAVE TURNED ME INTO WHO I AM TODAY. A STRONGER - WISER - WOMAN. I CAN ALSO LOOK BACK ON THE MISTAKES I HAVE MADE AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IF I HAD NOT GIVEN UP MY SIN TO GOD, THOSE MISTAKES WOULD HAVE TURNED ME INTO A SKANK - SLUT - HOE. JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE AS RAW AND REAL AS I CAN BE Y'ALL (NO SHAME!). EMPOWERED AND FISTS FIXED HIGH, I AM READY TO TAKE ON THE REST OF MY LIFE. I AM SURE I WILL EXPERIENCE MANY MORE THINGS THAT WILL CONTINUE TO GROW ME, AND I AM SURE THAT WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH WILL HELP ME SOAR ABOVE THE HURDLES!