EXCITED: the emotion strumming through my body as I headed to church with Cristina and John tonight. I love Grace Center. I love the passion. I love the carefree adoration portrayed for the world to see. I love the raw spirit lead intensity of the worship. We rolled in around 7:20 - church started at 7:30
I sat down with my journal, wrote out a little prayer, asking God to open my heart to what He wanted to show me that night. I prayed for focus, asking that "my attention be for His intentions."
Worship started. We all stood up. People were dancing. People were shouting. The Spirit was moving. And I was distracted. Yup. I was just standing there. Why wasn't I feeling God? Why the heck couldn't I hone in on His power? Why couldn't I feel His love surging through me? How come every flippin person besides me seemed to be partaking in His glory and I was just standing there empty?
PISSED OFF: the emotion I was feeling in a crowded room of brothers and sisters on fire for God.
I grabbed my belongings, told John I was going to the car to confront God, and darted out the door. When I got to my car I put on worship music, turned on the overhead light, whipped out my journal and started writing down everything that could be keeping my mind cluttered, and not allowing God to enter. Seriously. EVERYTHING. I think I have two pages worth of junk (my mind is a vast black hole). I then found a scripture to cross out and pray off everything that I wrote down.
EXAMPLES:
Fear of the Future - Matthew 6:34
Feeling ugly - Isaiah 62:3
Loneliness - 1 Thessalonians 5:24
Even after all of the Scripture searching, and comforting words of the Lord, I still didn't feel anything. So a mass text went out to some of my girlfriends, asking for prayer. I told them that I felt like I was on the phone with God, but hit a dead zone. The line was empty. There was no connection. One friend of mine sent me some words of wisdom that struck home, "I know how desperate that can feel, when God's not as apparent as He has been. But that's when you have to trust more in what Scripture promises than in your own feelings."
So, letting you in on a little ritual God and I have... I talk to God like He is in the seat right next me. Literally. I talk with my hands, I ask questions, and I respond to this invisible Man. I am sure that if anyone was in the parking lot tonight, watching me, I looked absolutely insane. But, it was an amazing conversation (smiles). God sighed, rested His head back, rolled His eyes, and said, "Hali, just because a thousand volts of My power isn't running through you whenever you enter a church, just because you don't feel like jumping up and down during a worship song, and just because people are falling on the floor covered in My Spirit in front of you, does NOT mean that I am not with you!" God showed me that He can just be chill, and relaxed, and might not answer me in the most epic form known to man, whenever I cry out His name, and that is OKAY!
PEACEFUL: the emotion I am feeling as I am lying on my couch, knowing that just because I can't see Him right now, God is at my feet, smiling at me.
