I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WRECKED.
MIND YOU, NOT IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY. I HAD QUITE THE HEART WRENCHING DREAM. SOMETIMES I REALLY LOATHE MY SUBCONSCIOUS. IT SURE KNOWS HOW TO TAKE MY FEARS AND PASTE THEM ON A BIG SCREEN DREAM TV, IN 3D, WITH VIBRANT PULSATING COLORS. BLAGH. I WAS A MESS THE FIRST HOUR AFTER WAKING UP. CONFUSED. HEART BROKEN. FULL OF REGRET. I CALLED A FRIEND OF MINE, AND VENTED TO HER EVERY EMOTION THAT I HAD BEEN FEELING FOR THE PAST WEEK. I EXPLAINED THAT ALL OF THOSE EMOTIONS WERE UTILIZED IN THIS RIDICULOUS DREAM TO TORMENT ME. NEEDLESS TO SAY I FELT LIKE AN OBESE PREGNANT WOMAN DOPED UP ON HORMONES. SHE AND I SEARCHED SCRIPTURES. TRIED TO COMBINE THOUGHTS INTO TOOLS FOR RECOVERY. YET ALL WE COULD CONCLUDE WAS THAT THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WE COULD DO. WE HAD NO CONTROL. OUR MINDS WEREN'T BRILLIANT ENOUGH TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY. (WHERE'S NANCY DREW WHEN YOU NEED HER, EH?) SO I DECIDED THAT WE WEREN'T CAPABLE OF EASING MY SPIRIT, ONLY GOD COULD. AND NOT JUST THROUGH PRAYER. I PRAY ALL THE TIME. I TALK TO JESUS LIKE I AM 4 YEARS OLD AND HE IS MY INVISIBLE BEST FRIEND. I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING MORE. I NEEDED TO SURRENDER. I NEEDED TO LIE FLAT ON MY FACE AND GIVE EVERYTHING UP. GOD REVEALED TO ME, ONCE MORE (NOT UNCOMMON FOR ME TO GET SMACKED UPSIDE THE HEAD ABOUT THE SAME THING MULTIPLE TIMES. I AM STUBBORN. I AM A JEW.), THAT I AM A VERY CONTROLLING PERSON. ESPECIALLY MENTALLY. I PLACE THE BURDEN ON MYSELF. TO COME UP WITH A SOLUTION FOR EVERY PROBLEM. I GET STRESSED OUT AND START DOUBTING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. ESPECIALLY MYSELF. AFTER A GOOD OUR PLASTERED TO MY BEDROOM FLOOR, SPILLING OUT MY SOUL, I FELT SLIGHTLY RELIEVED. I TOOK A SHOWER. PUT MYSELF TOGETHER. THEN DECIDED TO LISTEN TO A PODCAST FROM THE DOOR CHURCH IN PORTLAND, THAT I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT TO ATTEND IN BODY, REGULARLY. AND LET ME TELL YOU, EVERY FLIPPIN TIME I RANDOMLY CLICK A PODCAST TO LISTEN TO EVERY WEEK, IT HITS DEAD ON TO WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. EVERY TIME. EVERY EVERY EVERY TIME. TODAY, WAS NO DIFFERENT. THE SERMON WAS ON HOW WE LIVE IN A WESTERN SOCIETY, WHERE IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO LET YOUR MIND LEAD THE SPIRIT. TO BE IN CONTROL INTELLECTUALLY. INSTEAD WE SHOULD BE LIVING IN A KINGDOM SOCIETY, WHERE THE SPIRIT LEADS THE MIND. AND THE SPIRIT FILLS US WITH INTELLECT THAT WE COULDN'T HAVE OBTAINED ON OUR OWN TERMS. (SIGHS) CONVICTION CENTRAL. BUT IF THERE IS ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS, IT IS THAT CONVICTION LEADS TO A BEAUTIFUL REDISCOVERY OF ONE'S TRUE IDENTITY. PRAISE JESUS. AMEN.
