I recently came across a blog that asked, "When you are led on, whose fault is it?". This really resonated within me. I have found, from personal experience, and observation, that it is far easier to play the victim, than to look at yourself under a magnifying glass, and take the blame. As a female, I will admit, that we tend to get away with this, more than males do. But, are we really helping ourselves by denying the truth? Absolutely not! I decided to take a look at my past relationships, flings, and crushes, and play the detective.
First off, the common denominator, in all of the romantic relationships I have been in, has been me. When I start to process how each of those relationships grew, I realize that I put a lot of effort behind "making it happen", instead of "letting it happen". I was a control freak and a manipulator. I knew what I wanted, and I would find a way to make it happen. I would weasel my way into, what I thought was, a relationship. Or, at the least, a potential for a relationship. I would have myself convinced that because I managed to place myself in a scenario where the guy would hold my hand, or take me back to his place to watch a movie, that he saw me as girlfriend potential. That he was thinking, "This could be my forever, holding her in my arms every night."
Bull shit.
Let me make this clear, I was in no way assisting those men in seeing how valuable I could be as a girlfriend or, down the line, wife. What I was doing was giving them easy access to my body, and my heart, without them having any genuine emotion towards me, outside of their penis. They didn't have to put forth one ounce of effort to hold me in their arms, and therefore, they couldn't possibly have any understanding of my value.
As a Christian woman, I am beyond blessed to have a Father, that no matter what idiotic situation I put myself in, will always love me. He will forgive me. And most importantly, He will make me use my brain to understand that the momentary achievements of the world can't compare with the faithful and patient achievements of the heavens.
I am absolutely elated to meet my husband someday. And yes, a huge side of me wishes that could happen tomorrow, but I know that I am not ready. I have to learn to let go of control. I have to learn that my way is far from the right way, and that God is building up a man for me, who will pursue me in a way that only I will understand. Until then, I will try to be patient. I will lean on my friends to keep me accountable. And I will focus on the one relationship I have that will never falter, and that is with Jesus.
