The realization that I am moving is starting to hit me. I have caught myself committing to annual activities in Nashville, forgetting that I will be on the west coast. No more Live on the Green, weekend trips to Atlanta, and camping trips in the Smokey Mountains. If I thought that finding people in Tennessee to watch the UofM games was challenging, I can't even imagine what it's going to be like in Portland. But, the thing that is hitting me the most, is the realization that visiting home (Michigan) will more than likely only happen once a year. No more spontaneous trips to surprise my best friend. No more Thanksgiving AND Christmas appearances. And no more group Cedar Point trips.
I could cry.
This year is going to be my last year taking it all in. Yet, if I am being completely honest, this year is going to be challenging on a different level as well. Change happens in life, but it is especially challenging when change is happening in someone else's life, and you don't like it. My mother is dating a man that is far from my favorite person in the world. This year, he will be at my family's Thanksgiving. My last Thanksgiving with my family, for who knows how long. This will also be my first time meeting him. The background story is long and personal, but needless to say, I will be having to practice some serious selflessness. I am going to have to set aside my perception of what is best for my mom, and focus on being polite, and a woman of God. I am terrified, I am upset, and I am slightly bitter. I absolutely hate that I am feeling these emotions around a holiday that is supposed to be about joy, and thankfulness. I am aware that this is far from the worst thing in the world, and that, more than likely, everything will be perfectly okay, but if you know me, you know that I am emotional. I feel things deeply, and passionately. I need reassurance and comfort. SO, in the honor of Thanksgiving, I would like to honor my best friend, Leah. She has always been my rock, in so many situations, but this year, she is sacrificing time with her family and boyfriend, to stand by my side as I meet my mom's boyfriend, and get emotionally slapped in the face. It's one thing for her to be with me in a happy environment, but to leave behind a joyous day with your own family, to enter a room full of mixed emotions, that are mostly on the painful side, is something I couldn't repay. I don't know what I have done to deserve someone with such a generous spirit, but for THAT, for HER, I am undeniably, eternally, thankful.
Situations like this really force you to look deeply at yourself. To make a choice. To decide whether to lash out in anger, or approach the problem his carefulness, and learn to deal with it cautiously. I am choosing to not swim around in my disapproval, but rather to respect that life happens. That I am allowed to have my opinions, but that showing respect no matter the circumstance, is what counts. I have a lot of learning to do. A lot of growing to do. I am sure that I will slip up and say stupid things, and regret them. BUT, my heart is to be a daughter of the Lord, and strive for a forgiving and honest voice.
This holiday season may be one of the last I get to spend with my family for a while, and it may not be ideal, but I am going to try to focus on the people and things that I am thankful for. I am going to work through the things that I am not, and genuinely try to enjoy every second I have with the ones I love.
