If you finish reading this entry, you will probably think, "Hali is a mess. Avoid her." If you don't, then I am damn lucky to have you in my life, or as a stranger not judging me (I am okay with either scenario). It'd be nice to know that my cat isn't the only one who loves me unconditionally. Well, my cat and Jesus.
I have been swimming in a pool of self reflection lately. Nothing like magnifying your flaws in relationships. Rather, flaws in the process of getting to know somebody, in hopes of a relationship. I have a lot of these flaws, but the problem was, and could still be, that I wasn't sure why I was behaving the way that I was. I realize that all sounds confusing, so I am going to try to be as vulnerable as possible, and explain in detail my complications.
When I develop an interest in someone, I tend to get needy, in a weird way. I have a difficult time verbally expressing my interest in them, but I get anxious if they don't declare romantic affections for myself. I have been trying to figure out why I seek out their need for me so early on in a friendship, in the beginning stages of just getting to know each other. Here are a few reasons that I believe factor into my irrational mindset:
I can be gullible. I have been very hopeful in past interests, to a fault. I expect a man to be a stand-up gent, respecting my religious beliefs, and moral beliefs. I expect all of this without truly knowing him. Then, I place myself in situations with a man I hardly know, and he expects me to be on the same page as his moral beliefs, which tend to be quite a bit more adventurous, sexually speaking, than mine. My fantasy of him being a respectable and patient guy are then crashed, and I end up hurt, and kicking myself for having so much faith in someone I don't know. I end up pissed off at the guy, for expecting me to stoop lower than I consider healthy.... This all leads to me believing that I want to rush the beginning of a relationship, so I can get to the point where I find out if he is patient, or is planning on pushing me and leaving me high and dry. If I could just fast forward to that pivital moment, where we get past the small talk and actually invest in what makes each other tick, then perhaps I wouldn't have to invest so much in something that is just going to let me down in the end.
Lately, I tend to bombard my interest with a whirlwind of my desires and expectations right off the bat. I don't want to be lead on, and I don't want to invest in something that is going to end painfully, so I explain exactly what I am looking for in a man. What I have been through in the past. What comforts me, and what my insecurities are, so he can be aware and know how to encourage me through them. I realize that me throwing all of this out there right away makes me sound absolutely neurotic. Needy perhaps? Desperate? "This is what I expect of you, and if you can't step up to the plate, then peace out... by the way my name is Hali, nice to meet you!"
Lastly, I am certain that another reason I am eager to just know, to find out if the guy is going to stick around, is because of my lack of knowing my future. That is vague. No one really knows their future, but a lot of people, women, have a career path in mind. Have a road they are on to success. I don't know what I want to do with my life. The only thing I know is that I have always wanted to be the support system to my husband, and his career. Now, I am not saying this in a "mooch" manner, but I have always pictured him as being the sole supporter of the family, and I could emotionally and spiritually invest in his dreams, while allowing myself time to volunteer with different community opportunities, and work a little part time job. So, instead of wandering around aimlessly in life, if I could just find out if my interest is a keeper, then I could invest in him safely, and begin my life. Please don't think I am wanting to be a Desperate Housewife. If you know my heart, you know that I am not a low life, botox queen.
Self reflection is terrifying. Most people avoid it, because once they know their issues, they know that they need to fix them. Wouldn't it be easier to be oblivious, blame the world, and just keep living with excuses? Perhaps, but it won't set you up for a healthy successful life, or relationship of any sort. I am acknowledging that I am slightly insane, and that my expectations of the opposite sex are far stretched. But, with that acknowledgment comes hard work, much prayer, and patient discipline. I am willing to work on myself, so I can be nothing but the best for my future spouse. If I desire a man that I think the world of, I want to be the wife that he looks at in awe.
Also, I am sure I will always be a little crazy. I am self conscious, and think that I will always desire a little extra assurance, but I know that there is always room to grow.
