I started to ponder the fears in my life. Most people know that I am ridiculously terrified of snakes. Even animated ones. I also avoid birds and bicycles. I can handle spiders. I can handle tornados. And I can handle heights. But when I was thinking of all these things, they felt so miniscule. So petty.
I started to dig deeper. Emotionally. And I came to the conclusion that I have a deep fear of people leaving me. A lot of it stems from the death of so many friends in my life. They just disappeared. I won't receive phone calls from them anymore. I won't hear their voices. I won't see their faces. I know my parents divorce has definitely aided this as well. What I thought I knew so well just left. I hate losing friends, due to moving or college. I hate losing friends due to failed relationships or arguments. I hate losing people in my life. God has given us the ability to pour into each others lives, to love one another, and it's heart wrenching when it dissipates.
I know people come and go. I know there are seasons for everything. But I don't like it. I love to nurture. I love to grow. I don't like loss.
