I have gone to China, uttered the name of Jesus in classrooms of 30-300 students when government spies were present. I have jumped out of airplanes at 14,000 feet. And I am traveling to Israel during one of the least welcoming times possible. I long for adventure. I trust in the protection of my Father. Yet, the thing I fear most, is trusting someone with my heart.
I have many acquaintances, and a handful of friends. These friends, are my family. These friends have scattered themselves across the country, and most recently, across the world. I found myself questioning the difficulty of making these "friends", these members of my "family", the older I get. It is far more challenging for me to open up completely to a new person than it is to free fall, at ungodly speeds, through the clouds. I realized that my closest friends I have had since childhood. Childhood: when one is open, has few boundaries, is accepting without much judgment, has less to lose, and has abundant faith. It seems that, the older we get, the more we lose these beautiful qualities. and the more we lose these qualities, the more opportunities in life are lost. It is terrifying for me to hand over my everything to someone I am not completely familiar with, and trust them to cherish me.
I have a fear of rejection.
This fear of rejection stems from multiple areas of my life. I have found that in the greater Nashville area, commitment is a foreign concept. Saying you will be there for a birthday party, a wedding, or for moral support in an array of life events, is worthless. (I am exaggerating, slightly) It amazes me, when I try to plan something here in Tennessee, and 75% of the people who accounted themselves to attendance don't show. Yet, when I go back home to Michigan, and try to plan something, 120% of the people who committed themselves to attendance actually arrive. How then, can I trust someone with my deepest desires, and prayers, and accountability here in Nashville, when they can't even show up for my birthday party. (I realize I probably sound like I am 10 years old with these examples, but try to follow me.) When it comes to romantic relationships, my fear level increases 10000%, but the scenarios are strange. It is immensely challenging for me to like someone for more than a few weeks. I get bored. I don't feel challenged. I don't feel valued, and therefore I don't see the point in wasting my time. Yet, when I do fall for someone, I give all that I am to that man. This could be a terrible thing. I have been realizing this. I throw it all in at the beginning. Restraining myself is near impossible. I then feel rejected if the same amount of effort isn't returned to me. I then panic. I feel lost. I have prayed on this a lot. I realized that I still have some healing that needs to happen from a past relationship. A boy was confused. He loved the physical me. The idea of me. But he didn't really love ME at all. He would toy with my heart, with my emotions, and it utterly destroyed me. Because of this I have the immediate fear that someone who says, or shows that they like me, really doesn't. That they are just saying empty words, and will very well leave me high and dry.
Learning to trust.
I am realizing that I am only in control of myself. That I have the power to vocalize boundaries. To state where my heart is coming from. Then, I have trust that those points will be respected. That the people I invest in will be adults. Will be open. Will cherish me. Will be my "family" that stands by me in every trial. That the man I choose to invest in will cherish me back, even when my crazy self thinks he is running. Will this trust bring pain? YES! No one is perfect, and surely not every person could possibly live up to everything I desire of them. BUT, I know that the same Father who protects me as I soar through the sky, as I minister to the Chinese government, and as I travel to a bomb ridden land, will surely protect my heart.
PS.
I used paragraphs, in terrible grammatic fashion, but I used them. You're welcome, Mom.
PPS.
I didn't re-read or spell check this. You win some, you lose some.
