I want this word to resonate in my life.
Specifically in my relationships with men.
Currently, this is not something I am struggling with, mostly because I am in between living in the now, in Tennessee, and not quite starting my new life in Portland. But, I feel as if my life in Portland is an opportunity for me to grow, not only within my own intimate and personal goals, but also in my maturity with relationships.
Everyone has a past. Everyone has things in their life that they aren't proud of. Even though I haven't had sex (If you haven't read my blogs before, I am unashamedly transparent) yet, there are so many areas in my relationships with men that I have fallen short on. Areas, including of physical nature, where I have given more of myself than I should have.
I lacked boundaries.
In my past, I have let my desires for a REAL, lasting, and INTENTIONAL relationship blind me. I dropped boundaries, rushed into hazardous situations, and hoped that (if I am being completely vulnerable) those hazardous sitations - which were monumental for me - would somehow make the guy commit to me. Would tie himself, emotionally to me. Would magically make him desire to be the one who completed me, who provided for me, and who accepted me for all that I am.
Answer me this: How in the HELL could he accept me for all that I am, when I left no time for him to know who I am?
I am a dreamer. I am a visionary. This aspect allows my imagination to run rampant, and an imagination put into action, without boundaries, can send you into treacherous waters.
I am learning that I need to put the reigns on my heart, and mind. That I need to take a few step backs at the very beginning of a friendship with a man (that my crazy mind has already declared a potential husband.)
Also, through all of this, I am realizing that the kind of guy I need in my life is someone who can balance me out. A stable, consistent, and strong man. Someone who can slow me down. Who can pursue me with patient intent. Who is absolutely smitten with my quirky, wild self - but knows how to handle it in a way that will benefit us both, in the long run.
Realizing your weaknesses is painful.
It can lower your self esteem if you let it,
or it can empower you to grow.
And with growth comes reward.
