It's strange to think that I don't really know what it is to be pursued in a Godly way. I would like to think that I know how it's supposed to be, and how it will go. I have been pursued, a couple of times, but it seemed that the pursuit was in attempts to satisfy the man's desires, rather than uplifting God's and honoring my own.
When I really start to imagine this type of pursuit, it honestly scares me. I know that when the time comes, and my husband begins to open my heart, I will have allow him to open it, completely. I will never be more vulnerable in my life, than in that pursuit. As beautiful and sacred as the experience will be, I know that it will also be painful. I have skeletons in my closet, and character traits that I am not sure will be viewed as beautiful, and the idea of laying that on the table for a man, I will be head over heals for, makes me want to vomit.
It breaks my heart that I have let so many pieces of myself, emotionally and physically, be handed off to different men who couldn't pursue me completely. As cliche' as it may sound, I wish I knew then what I know now, but then again, as I said in the first sentence of this blog, I don't really know what it is that I want to know now. But, I can say, that I know what I don't want. I know that I deserve better. That I am worth more. As I grow in my walk with the Lord, I hope to grow in the understanding of what a man of God actually is. And with that knowledge, I hope to be guarded in the areas I feel convicted, and I hope to open up my spirit in areas that need to be softened.
