ASYLUM AND AIR HOCKEY.

LET ME START BY DESCRIBING MY APPEARANCE: A POODLE THAT HAS BEEN DUNKED, A MINIMUM OF FIVE TIMES,  INTO A TOILET FILLED WITH KOOL-AID. GREAT. GLAD WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY. NOW TO DISCUSS THE DATE THAT I WENT ON THIS PAST WEEK. WHAT. A. GENTLEMAN. BY FAR THE SWEETEST MAN I HAVE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING. PROMPTLY AT 8:00 I OPENED MY DOOR TO A MAN HALF HIDDEN BY A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS. NOT JUST ANY FLOWERS - THEY WEREN'T ROSES! PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY. THERE IS NOTHING THAT IRRITATES ME MORE THAN A MAN WITHOUT ANY CREATIVITY, WHO PURCHASES RED ROSES. THOUGH, I WOULDN'T COMPLAIN TOO MUCH, SEEING AS I HAD NEVER RECEIVED FLOWERS BEFORE THAT NIGHT. HE OPENED MY CAR DOOR FOR ME, AND WE HEADED TO HEAR THE TIME JUMPERS PLAY A SHOW. THE CONVERSATION WAS LIGHT. COVERING THE BASICS: HOW OLD ARE YOU, WHERE ARE YOU FROM, DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL HERE, DO YOU HAVE SIBLINGS, DO YOU LOVE JIMMY FALLON? JUST KIDDING. THOUGH COMPLETELY BELIEVABLE. I LOVED THAT HE DID NOT TRY TO LOCK LIPS WITH THIS CHICK. MOSTLY BECAUSE I HAVE COMPOSED A LIST OF ALL OF THE GUYS I HAVE ENTANGLED LIPS WITH, AND THE NUMBER IS A LITTLE HIGHER THAN I WISHED TO SEE. I PERSONALLY WOULD LOVE TO ERASE THE LIST COMPLETELY, BUT YA KNOW... AT LEAST I AM CONFIDENT IN MY SKILL LEVEL? AFTER ARRIVING HOME, AND PARTING WAYS, I STILL HAD A BIG QUESTION LEFT UN-ANSWERED: DOES THIS MAN HAVE A PERSONAL, PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST? TWO DAYS LATER MY QUESTION WAS ANSWERED. THIS TIME, AT 8:45, I OPENED MY DOOR TO THE PLAID SHIRTED MAN. HE WALKED ME TO THE CAR, OPENED THE DOOR, AND HANDED ME A PRESENT. LITERALLY. WRAPPING PAPER AND ALL. I HAD BEEN GIFTED THREE OF THE TIME JUMPERS' ALBUMS. I WAS STARTING TO BELIEVE THAT IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE THIS MAN WITHOUT RECEIVING A GIFT! NOT THAT IT WAS A PROBLEM. NOT A PROBLEM AT ALL. I WAS THEN QUESTIONED: "WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF MONSTER?" YES. YOU READ CORRECTLY. I QUICKLY STATED MY TIREDNESS OF VAMPIRES - WHICH LEAD ME TO COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT ZOMBIES WERE "ALRIGHT". THAT STATEMENT HAD US SITTING INSIDE OF AN IMAX 3D THEATER, WATCHING RESIDENT EVIL. WHICH HALF WAY THROUGH, WE WALKED OUT OF. NOW, I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANY OF THE OTHER RESIDENT EVIL MOVIES, BUT IF THEY WERE ANYTHING LIKE THIS, I AM ABSOLUTELY DUMB-FOUNDED THAT THEY HAD ENOUGH SUPPORT TO MAKE MORE THAN ONE. I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CONFIDENT THAT I COULD HAVE ACTED AT A MUCH HIGHER LEVEL THAN THE ACTORS IN THE MOVIE. I AM ALSO ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CONFIDENT THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE LOOKED AS GOOD IN TWO NAPKINS COVERING MY NAKED BODY AS THE LEAD ACTRESS. WE QUICKLY RECOVERED FROM OUR SORROWS BY ACTING LIKE CHILDREN AT DAVE & BUSTERS. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO STATE THAT I WON EVERY SINGLE GAME WE PLAYED. I DARE YOU TO CHALLENGE ME IN AIR HOCKEY. I DAAAARE YOUUUUUU!!! AFTER DEMOLITION, HE QUICKLY SUGGESTED A BEER. WE SAT ON SOME STOOLS, SIPPING SO GUINNESS, WHEN I ASKED HIM IF HE WENT TO CHURCH ANYWHERE. ANSWER: "NO". I SO EASILY TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVED EMANATE, AND THE PODCAST I LISTENED TO REGULARLY - THE DOOR, COMMUNITY OF FAITH, IN PORTLAND. THEN THE  DOORS OF MY HEART FLUNG OPEN AND STREAMS OF CHATTER ABOUT MY CALLING TO OREGON, AND MY EXCITEMENT TO FOLLOW THE LORD'S PATHS FOR ME, STARTED TO SPEW OUT. HIS RESPONSE TO ALL OF MY PASSION: "COOL." MY BIG QUESTION LEFT ME, ONCE AGAIN, IN THE PREDICAMENT OF HAVING TO TERMINATE THE POSSIBLE ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. I LOATHE THIS PREDICAMENT. MY SOUL HATES SEEING OTHERS HURT. A PHONE CALL LATER, EXPLAINING THE SITUATION IN A VERY GENTLE, LOVING WAY, I WAS ONCE AGAIN FLYING SOLO. NOW. I AM PERFECTLY FINE. I AM CONFIDENT THAT MY PERSONAL GERARD BUTLER - JAKE GYLLENHAAL - JIMMY FALLON COMBO WILL COME INTO MY LIFE EVENTUALLY. WHAT I AM TERRIFIED OF IS NOT BEING ABLE TO GO ON A MERE TWO DATES WITHOUT HURTING SOMEONE. BLAGHITY BLAGH BLAGH BLAGH! ON A MUCH MORE PLEASANT NOTE: TOMORROW MY DEAR FRIEND IS TAKING PICTURES OF ME IN THE WOODS. MORE THAN LIKELY I WILL LOOK LIKE A FOOL, TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A MODEL. ALSO, MICHIGAN PLAYS PURDUE. PICTURE A WOMAN RESISTING A FORCEFUL ENTRY INTO AN INSANE ASYLUM, AND THAT IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TVS OF YOUR LOCAL COOL SPRINGS BUFFALO WILD WINGS. YOU'RE WELCOME.