BOOM-SHAKA-CONVICTION-LAKA

MY LUNCH BREAKS HAVE BEEN CONSISTING OF WORKING OUT - FOLLOWED BY A REWARD OF COFFEE. I HAVE BEEN AT STARBUCKS FOR NEARLY TWENTY MINUTES AND JUST NOW MY FACE IS STARTING TO RETREAT FROM IT'S RED BELL PEPPER COMPLEXION AND  RETURN TO IT'S USUAL FRESH SNOW COMPLEXION. THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS RATHER NIPPY, ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE SWADDLED IN MULTIPLE OVERSIZED SWEATERS. I WASN'T SURE AS TO WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT TODAY, AND WAS PLANNING ON WAITING UNTIL ANOTHER DAY TO RAMBLE, BUT A LIGHT HAS REVEALED ITSELF. I DECIDED TO PICK UP A PEN AND SET IT ON THE PAPER OF MY JOURNAL, AND LETTING IT SPEAK WHAT EVER IT DESIRED. BOOM! JESUS LIKED THAT IDEA. I WAS INSTANTLY THROWN INTO A WHIRLPOOL OF CONVICTION. NOW. MOST PEOPLE SEE CONVICTION AS THIS TERRIBLE AND HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE. LIKE KING TRITON WAVING HIS POWERFUL TRIDENT AT YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF YOUR BIGGEST CELEBRITY CRUSH. (THIS ANALOGY MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME, SORRY BOUT IT IF YOU ARE COMPLETELY LOST.) I BELIEVE THAT GOD CREATED CONVICTION TO BE A LOVING TOOL, TO GUIDE US INTO OUR TRUE IDENTITIES. LET ME EXPLAIN FURTHER, BY MEANS OF AN EXAMPLE. IT'S THE TIME OF YEAR THAT I START LOOKING AT EVERY PAST RELATIONSHIP I HAVE BEEN IN. QUESTIONING IF I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM EACH MAN'S ENVIRONMENT. I START TO LONG FOR STRONG ARMS TO ENVELOPE ME INTO A POOL OF WARMTH. I START QUESTIONING MY BEHAVIOR IN RELATIONSHIPS PAST. BOOM-SHAKA-FREAKIN-LAKA. NOT A PLEASANT ROAD TO TRAVEL DOWN. NOW I AM NOT SAYING THAT I AM WORTHY OF A SCARLET LETTER, BUT I AM SAYING THAT I PUT A LOT OF BLAME ON THE OTHER PERSON, RATHER THAN LOOKING AT MYSELF. I OFTEN SCOFF AT THE THOUGHT OF MEN WHO HAVE TRIED TO GO FURTHER PHYSICALLY WITH ME THAN I WAS READY FOR. I WOULD LOOK DOWN AT THESE MEN, AND CONSIDER THEM TO NOT BE TRUE FOLLOWERS OF THE LORD'S WORD. PISH POSH. WHAT WAS I DOING TO GET MYSELF INTO THE SITUATION TO BE PUSHED FURTHER? OH YA KNOW, JUST LYING IN THE MAN'S BED!? I AM NOT PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAVE DONE THIS MULTIPLE TIMES. I AM NOT PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAVE GIVEN AWAY MORE OF MYSELF THAN I EVER SAID I WOULD WHEN I WAS YOUNG. I AM SURE SOME OF YOU ARE THINKING, "WELL OBVIOUSLY YOU AREN'T JUST GOING TO KISS SOMEONE UNTIL THEY ARE MARRIED... THINGS HAPPEN.", BUT THE TRUTH IS, THINGS DON'T HAVE TO HAPPEN. AND THE TRUTH IS, A LOT OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED FALLS HEAVILY ON MY ACTIONS. AFTER CONVERSATIONS WITH SOME OF MY CLOSE MALE FRIENDS, I AM TRULY STARTING TO UNDERSTAND, FIRST HAND, THAT MEN AND WOMEN ARE WIRED COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY. I CAN'T EXPECT TO SLEEP IN A GUY'S BED AND JUST WANT TO CUDDLE AND KISS, AND EXPECT HIM TO NOT GET TURNED ON. LET'S BE HONEST... IF HE DOESN'T GET TURNED ON, HE DOESN'T LIKE CHICKS, AND THAT'S A WHOOOLE NEW SCENARIO I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH AHA. I OFTEN TIMES GET INTO THE PATTERN OF SEEING THINGS ONLY THROUGH MY EYES. PERCEIVING ONLY WHAT I AM FEELING. THIS IS NOT A WONDERFUL THING TO DO WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO BUILD A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. A GOOD NUMBER OF MY FRIENDS HAVE LABELED BE AS A GOODY GOODY, WHICH IS FINE. I HOPE THEY CONTINUE TO REFER TO ME AS THIS. I WANT SO TERRIBLY TO LIVE MY LIFE IN MY HOLY IDENTITY. I WANT TO CONTINUE TO BE CONVICTED OF ANYTHING I AM DOING THAT HARMS MYSELF AND ANYONE AROUND ME. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO END THIS NOTE THAT IF EVER THE OPPORTUNITY DID ARISE, I WOULD UNASHAMEDLY LIE WITH JIMMY FALLON IN BED. K THANKS.